How to Stop Negative Self Talk from Stealing Our Happiness

Our beliefs are what determine the action we do or don’t take. Our brains are not concerned with the accuracy of our beliefs. Only that we BELIEVE them. So, when our inner voice produces negative self talk about our talents, abilities, worthiness or destiny, we ensure our continued frustration and unhappiness. The really awesome news is that our brains are very elastic and can be reprogrammed to be more confidence-prone. So, what does THAT mean and how difficult is it?

Confidence is what turns thoughts into judgments about what we are capable of and THAT transforms judgments into action “Confidence is NOT just feeling good about ourselves,” Richard Petty, psychology professor at Ohio State University says.

“Confidence is what turns our thoughts into actions”. So THIS is why just thinking about what we want to be when we grow up and working hard to achieve are not enough to turn our dreams into our reality.

Taking Action Builds Confidence to Change Negative Self Talk to Positive

Petty observed that for us to realize our dreams, we need the courage to take action, even when it’s scary and to have a strong will, even when it is difficult. The natural result of low confidence is inaction. When we hesitate, we don’t act because we are unsure. The interrelationship between confidence and action is compellingly simple. Confidence is a belief in our ability to succeed and it is a belief that stimulates us to take action. Taking action enforces our beliefs in our abilities to succeed. Negative self talk keeps us from taking action. “Don’t even bother trying. You’re not as talented as those who are successful in your field, so how would you succeed?” We gain confidence by our experiences of working hard and learning from our successes and our failures.

Zachary Estes, a research psychologist who studies the confidence and the disparity of it between the genders conducted a test a few years ago. He conducted an interesting test where he asked all participants to answer every question. The women and men got 80% correct, suggesting identical ability levels. That’s not surprising. The results of the next test are surprising though. This time, he asked each person to report their confidence in their answer. Simply having to think about how well they did on the test impacted their performance. But the impact was different for each gender! The women’s scores dipped to 75%, while the men’s increased to 93%. What?!!? One little nudge to ask how sure the women were of their answer reduced their confidence, while the same question boosted the confidence that the men had in their answers. Women’s brains heard the question as a challenge to their confidence, which stimulated negative self talk. Whereas men’s inner voices heard it as an opportunity to boast, which stimulated positive self talk. Interesting.

Beliefs and Confidence Are Self-Perpetuating

In the final test, Estes told some men and women that they were doing very well. Both genders enjoyed a dramatic increase in performance. Their scores went up on the next tests they took. Self-confidence can be self-perpetuating – regardless of whether it is good or bad.

If we have the abilities, and we do, then the only thing holding us back is taking action. Which will make us feel more confident, which will improve our performance, which will perpetuate the cycle of success and confidence boosting. But how do we overcome a lifetime of negative self talk that tells us that playing it safe and avoiding risk will protect us from disappointment? How do we move past being held back by our own low confidence, of underestimating our abilities, skills and talents?

Push Through Even Though It’s Uncomfortable

Research in neuroscience emerges almost weekly that shows how elastic our brains are and that they can and do change over the course of our lives. If we keep at it, stay with the discomfort to act and push through, we improve our confidence level AND our performance. We need acknowledge the negative self talk and have compassion for it as the voice of care and self protection it is trying to give us. We can say to our well-intended negative self talk, “I hear you. You are just trying to protect me and I appreciate that so much. I’m comfortable taking this action and am going to do that because I know it’s the next right thing for me to do.” And then act! If we can channel our talents and efforts, we can make our brains more confidence prone. There’s the hope and the promise:)